Timing a discussion with your children regarding the fact that you are getting divorced should be carefully considered. Ideally, parents should wait until they are certain about their decision to divorce and have a clear plan in place before having this discussion. Telling children too early, before details are settled, can lead to confusion and anxiety. On the other hand, waiting until major changes are already happening—such as one parent moving out—can make children feel blindsided.
A good rule of thumb is to have the conversation a few weeks before significant changes take place, such as one parent leaving the home. This can more effectively allow children time to process the information while also allowing them to prepare for what to expect in the near future. However, if there is high conflict in the home, emotional distress or signs that children are already aware something is wrong, it may be better to have the conversation sooner rather than later.
Presenting a united front
If possible and appropriate, both parents should be present for the conversation. Even if emotions are high, it is important to show that both parents are still committed to supporting and loving their children. Keeping the conversation calm, simple and age-appropriate can help children feel safe and reassured, to the extent that this kind of comfort is possible right away.
Children do not need to know every detail of why the marriage is ending. Instead, focus on what directly affects them, such as changes in living arrangements and routines. Reassure them that the divorce is not their fault and that both parents will continue to love and care for them.
Younger children may need a simple and direct explanation, while older children may ask more questions and need reassurance about how their daily lives will be impacted. Regardless of their age, children should feel they have a safe space to express their emotions and ask questions. Trying to suppress this urge to express themselves can backfire.
Telling your children about your divorce is not easy, but thoughtful timing, a united approach and open communication can help to make the situation as healthy as it can be.